Dear Scorch Magazine: I Do Not Need Your Male Opinions About My Female Body. (In Which I Fail To Not Swear)

Anyone who knows me or has paid a lick of attention to this blog in the last month or so knows that I am no friend of Miley Cyrus. The woman is obliviously racist, willfully obtuse and completely ignorant. And that doesn't even take into account the fact that she spent yesterday shaming two women for their mental health issues. So no, Miley and I are not bosom buddies.

But you see this shit?


And I'm no stranger to calling out misogynistic Trinidadian men on their shitty interpretations of gender relations. I've already cussed out a radio DJ and a friend of a friend. There's nothing new about this asinine explanation of events. But it's still insidious, so I guess I'll go lace up my patriarchy smashing boots.

This "article" is full of slut-shaming, body-shaming, concern trolling, gender essentialist, patriarchal bullshit. I do not need to read that. I have spend the last few years actively rejecting that kind of limited thinking. So since this appears to be "think of the children" week, I'll think of the children, and demonstrate, graf by graf, why all of this is nonsense.

*Laces boots*

“I came in like a wrecking balllll!” were the lyrics that caught my attention. My first impression, was, “Why Justin Beiber swinging on a wrecking ball half naked?!” Then the video transitions to a close up of a female with ghastly red lips. “Oh, its Miley Cyrus, Chups!” I said in angst, “She need to eat a sandwich!”. The video continued and I could barely hold my lunch plus I was still devastated from her 2013 VMA fiasco of a performance.
So clever! DJFloops (eyeroll) managed to combine the "Justin Bieber is a lesbian" and "Miley is not sexy and looks like a boy" jokes into one! Good for you! That takes talent, it really does. It's not everyday that someone can manage to reinforce the false notions of the presentation of masculinity and the policing of women's bodies into one sentence. SCORE! And it's really a pity that like A$AP Rocky, you have an aversion to red lipstick, but  I'm not entirely sure what that has to do with Miley's body or your lack of gastrointestinal control.

The video was released on the 9th September 2013 and has reached 115MM views on youtube and rising. With 24MM views coming in the first day alone. Surely, the song is not that great O_o , there must be more to this plot. The plot thickens as Miley promised her fans via Twitter that when the video reaches 150MM views, she would release the Director’s Cut. The director’s cut means that we will more than likely get to see Miley Cyrus fully NAKED!
Miley fully naked?…I’ll pass on that!
OH MY GOD. This random internet stranger does not personally think that a a famous woman he has never met, and who likely gives not a single fuck about him, is attractive. STOP. THE MOTHERFUCKING. PRESSES. How will we remedy this matter of national importance?!?!

Dude, it's cool that you don't find Miley attractive. I personally think she's a beautiful woman with terrible style and an ugly soul, but hey, that's me! And there are a ton of very good looking male stars that I personally don't find attractive, but that doesn't mean they're not attractive or should never be seen in public ever again. It just means that I probably wouldn't sleep with them if the opportunity presented itself. As neither of us is in any real danger of that possibility, I think we can stop with the histrionics.

But what are the social implications of this publicity stunt?
Miley Cyrus rose to fame as the Disney Character, Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana has 10MM fans on Facebook. Her target audience consist manly of teenaged girls and they no doubt comprise the 28MM fans, she has as Miley Cyrus.
What impression is Miley Cyrus leaving for the girls who idolized her as Hannah Montana?
Is it a standard to be naked or to devalue oneself to gain acceptance?
How will they feel when they see social media, television and other print media glorifying her “toned” body and they look in the mirror and they don’t have that body shape?
Doux doux, I'm sure I don't have to tell you how math works. For starters, Hannah Montana ended its run in January of 2011. That's almost three years ago. When she was 17. In that time, Miley has grown up, and NEWSFLASH; so have her fans! As with most child stars, her fans grew up with her. Miley the artist is not Hannah Montana the fictional character. Their target demo is not the same. Hannah the character was a tween. Miley the artist is an adult, making adult choices. As she is entitled to. (I reserve the right to hold her accountable for her racist bullshit, but that's another story)

It says a lot about your views of sex and sexuality if nakedness equates degradation in your mind. That's some slut shaming right there and it's not really okay. Personally I think the video was tasteless, but not because she's naked. Miley is entitled to be naked. It is her body. She is free to reveal as much or as little of it as she chooses. It's not really for you to comment on that. What here body is or isn't is not open for debate.

And why is it that actual parenting is no longer a viable option for keeping kids on the straight and narrow? It is not Miley's job to make sure our children are virtuous angels. Is Miley supposed to be ashamed of her body because she's skinny? Is she supposed to hide under cover of darkness because you don't think her body is ideal, and her very existence might "encourage" other young women to look like her? How about parents do their fucking jobs and explain to children that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes? If your kid is making stupid decisions because a celebrity did first, then you have failed at your task as a parent to imbue your child with critical thinking skills. That's on you.

I decided to dig a little deeper. I concluded that this was just another example of pop culture glorifying ridiculously skinny, unappealing girls as sexy!
Over 63MM women worldwide suffer with an eating disorder. The main disorders being
1) Anorexia (immoderate food restriction and irrational fear of gaining weight)
2) Bulimia (binge eating or purging typically by vomiting, taking laxatives, diuretics or weight loss stimulants).
Oh you DECIDED! I see. Well, let's pack up shop girls! The menz have decided!

The Caribbean woman has not been spared by these new ideals. Slowly but surely these ideals have been trust upon young ladies all across the Caribbean
Long known for her voluptuous curves, small waist and considerable assets, she now benchmarks herself against the stick thin image portrayed by celebrities and high fashion. I personally have seen this phenomenon play out.
Darling, I don't know where you're getting your facts, but skinny women have always been part of the spectrum of local beauty. That's called body diversity. Not every woman has an hourglass figure in the same way that not every man is built like a body builder. That fact that these are the only women who ever seem to catch your eye says more about your own personal biases than it does about the spectrum of beauty and whether or not it's changing. I'm really over this idea that some bodies are better or worse than others. All bodies are good bodies, and they are all equally valid and potentially capable. And if a woman chooses to benchmark herself against a body type that she personally prefers, that is her choice and it should not cause you concern. And who exactly is this "Caribbean woman" whose mind has been warped against her will?

You have too!
Recall that girl/woman at the gym, perfectly healthy looking and toned working assiduously , going spin class and is mortified at the site of a slice of bread. She works so hard that she loses the butt, then hips and before you can say “Ah! she going to work on the muscle tone now!” she continues to slave away till she reaches her stick figure goal.
Oh I see, this is a hypothetical woman, not a real one. Well, my misguided darling, even fit people need to exercise. That's the first point. You don't maintain a hard body by sitting on your ass. And speaking of ass, I hadn't realized that "losing one" (OH NOES! Where'd it go?!?!) was such a tragedy. There are a myriad of reason why a woman might work hard to change the shape of her body and very few of them have to do with making your dick hard. And what about the women who are naturally "stick figured"? Are they not allowed to be in the gym and get toned? Should they stuff their faces full of cake so that their asses and hips become more pronounced?

The entire idea that a woman should maintain the body type that you, personally, random internet stranger, finds arousing is fuckery at its finest. Women do not exist to appeal to your specific kinks. How do you not see that you are simply applying a different but equally insidious societal pressure that could ultimately fuck with a woman's self esteem?

Scientist have coined this phenomenon as Body Dysmorphic Disease or BDD. BDD is a mental disease that predominantly affects women. These women are obsessed with their body image and its flaws. They even see flaws that are not there!
So take it from a man, be at peace with yourself :)
There is nothing more sexy than a woman, who is comfortable in her own skin.
God made us all beautifully different so that we could revel in each other’s uniqueness.
Men appreciate you in whatever size or shape you come in.
As my mom always said, “EVERY BREAD HAS ITS BUTTER!”
Firstly, your facts are wrong. BDD is a mental disease, but it is most closely linked to depression and manifests as an obsession with body image. It's the same as a person with OCD developing an obsession with counting or cleaning. A person afflicted with BDD will often fixate on a specific aspect of their appearance and believe they can't be happy until the perceived flaw is remedied. It is not a broad desire to be skinny. To say that is reductionist and inaccurate.

And seriously? Take it from a man? Because only the penis haver's words have weight? I'm cool thanks. And why do you presume that all women want to be sexy? For many women, especially is a such a misogynistic West Indian culture, their "voluptuous" figures are a source of unwanted harassment and negative attention. It is perfectly within their right to remove what they see as a deterrent to their quality of life. I mean, of course ideally, men would just stop harassing us, but that would require them to take responsibility for their actions, and apparently we're going with the "but they can't help themselves!" defense today.

It's also really rich of you to say you appreciate women in all sizes when you've JUST SAID that it's a problem for you that some women seek to change their bodies. WHICH IS IT, BUSTER? And lastly, I'm sure your mother is a lovely woman, but she obviously didn't teach you very much if you don't see the irony in applying that metaphor to this situation, and then turning around and telling a woman they shouldn't be skinny. Ooh you poor child....


I know that because you're a man, society has taught you that the dick swinging between your legs validates every asinine thing that comes out of your mouth, but I am here to dispel that myth. It is not your place, to dictate to women what they do or don't think. It is not your place to dictate to women what they should or should not look like. It is not your place to dictate to women what they do or do not need to do. No one cares what you think. Your opinion does not factor into this equation. 

I know it's hard to believe that a woman's life does not in fact revolve around courting your boner, but it doesn't.

Now see, I didn't adequately prepare you for that revelation. I'm very sorry.

How about, instead of paternally condescending to our nation's women, you instead acknowledge that women have agency, and make choices that are completely independent of your pants feelings? How about you recognize that it is entirely possible that women do things because they want to and not because it might lead them to the dinky ring you might feel like buying in ten years (or 300 sandwiches)?

I know you think you're helping women by telling them they don't need to change. I get that. I completely get that you think you're coming from a good place full of great intentions, but women are complete human beings with working brains, capable of critical thinking and informed choice. You, I'm not so sure about.

Last but not least, can we address your use of the word "female"? Let's get this clear: I AM female; I am A woman. Subtle difference, but I'm sure you can parse it. Anything with two X chromosomes may be female, but that doesn't make them a woman. Remember that.

Look, I get that your magazine is basically mindless, typo-ridden drivel, and that you're content trolling to fill space at this point, but for the love of all that is good and holy, please refrain from publishing misogynistic, patriarchy enforcing nonsense.

What impression is Scorch Magazine leaving for young men and women who idolize it as a source of high-brow entertainment? Think of the children! And please don't ever make me have to defend this brat again.

I'm asking nicely.