10 Thoughts I Had While Watching DC'S Justice League

Justice League is a decent entry into a middling franchise. There's nothing here that will amaze you, but you will be glad it isn't Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.


Beard-gate was really undersold. Henry Cavill spends large chunks of this movie looking like a wax figure version of himself. It's very unsettling, not to mention incredibly distracting. Speaking of Henry Cavill, I never thought I could be into chest hair, but he has perfected it. Exactly the right about of chest hair to rev my engine instead of grossing me out. It helps that he looks like a literal Adonis. Bim and Nichole would be proud.


The surest indication that this film was made by a man is the costuming of the Amazons in all the scenes set in Themyscira. Can anyone explain to me why a mythical race of female warriors who were rumored to cut off their left breasts so it didn't interfere with battle are just standing around shooting arrows at a demigod with their midriffs exposed? They looked ridiculous AND stupid. I'm supposed to believe these women are all that stands between us and the end of the world when all it would take to kill them is a well aimed sword, knife, or shard of glass? I mean God forbid a bullet turn up. Ok Zack Snyder. Sure. Does DC have a policy against productions sharing costumes? Can someone explain to me precisely what was wrong with the boss-as-fuck costumes used in the Wonder Woman film? Honestly, if you're ever unsure of what the term "male gaze" means, this is the perfect example. 


There is a lot of really creepy CGI in this film which I suppose is par for the course when your movie is more or less about an alien invasion of sorts? But it was incredibly distracting, especially with the character Cyborg, whose design elements need some work. There's no excuse for a former athlete to be looking like a metal skeleton. I've seen the cartoons! A spine is not a waist. Build him out some muscle and sinew so that he looks more like a person.


This is... one way to do Aquaman I suppose? I'm never going to be a fan of the dudebro interpretation of anything, but Jason Momoa can be forgiven for a lot. That said, the constant whooping combined with the tattoos and the Atlantean history we never quite get feels like a vaguely disrespectful melding of a lot of different cultures (some real, some fictional) that should probably be sorted out before his solo movie arrives.


Batflek is... a thing that still exists? He's by no means the worst things about these films as so many of us feared, but Ben Affleck is the kind of actor who can no longer disappear into a role. He'll never be Batman to me. He'll always be Ben Afleck in a Batman suit. But I guess he and Shookus need the franchise money.


Why would Bruce need to by the bank to get the Kent farmhouse back? I'm 100% sure it was in foreclosure and on sale by the bank. Why not... buy the house? Money is my superpower is cute until it stops making sense.


I quite enjoyed Ezra Miller's weirdo loner interpretation of Barry Allen and I didn't think I would. I'm obviously more familiar with the CW's Grant Gustin who is all lanky and broody and fUlL oF eMoTiOn but Ezra's socially inept buffoon trying to match pitch with the people around him was much more fun that I expected. He brings a lightness to the franchise and to the film that was sorely needed.


Wonder Woman should really only do that golden-bracelet-clangy-thingy once per film. It's really cool and awesome and amazing but it loses the juice if it's overused. I'm no longer excited or amazed the third time she does it in the space of half an hour. On the other hand, Gal Gadot really does shine in the role and her costuming throughout indicates that she's the only character here that the movie really gets. I'm still not a fan of the ~I defeated Aries with love~ narrative we're getting, but I'd prefer that to the brute force we're meant to cheer for with men.


Why is it that so many fictional billionaires are obsessed with tinkering in energy sources they don't understand? I mean no shade but at least Tony Stark is an engineer. Bruce Wayne is just a rich orphan who can throw a few punches.